im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Randomize
