Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
