Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
