Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
