Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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