I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
