apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
