my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
