Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
