he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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