I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
