she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize