Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just gift wrapped bread.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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