I think I died a long time ago.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
