its not stalking. its research.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
