Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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