My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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