I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
