Where did you get a picture of my penis
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
