i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
