im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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