took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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