I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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