When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
