I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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