I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
