Where is the hickey?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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