if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
As shirtless as possible
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
