I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I don't deserve a penis
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
