I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
