Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
