I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
