I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
