You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize