You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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