did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
