I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize