How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I stole a fireplace last night.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
