Your dad touched me again.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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