Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize