My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
