if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
