Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
