note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
