Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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