Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
