Moan for me like Helen Keller
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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