dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
