Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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