I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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