he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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