so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
