Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
