TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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