So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
