and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I wish there were birth control emojis
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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