Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
