I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
